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An Ex-Mas Story – Part 1


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I present to you – Part one of my short story "An Ex-Mas Story":

Jim Whelan never felt so miserable as he did around Christmas time. His feeling of malaise started with the melancholy ache of having to bid farewell to summer’s warmth for the gradual chill of autumn. He was given a small respite as he took comfort in the delightfully wicked celebration of Halloween. As the fake blood, cob webs and foam rubber body parts were packed away he soon felt the cold embrace of depression stealing in as silently and as ominously as a dense fog rolling over a harbor.

He could not quite pin-point exactly when the holidays put him in such a foul mood. He supposed it was a gradual transformation that took him from the young boy who genuinely looked forward to the ‘season of giving’ to the 29 year old who viewed the holiday season with a feeling of dread.

While growing up, Jim’s family did not have a lot of money. His father lost his job when the steel mills closed their doors for good, and he took to commercial roofing to support his young family. It was a lousy job that paid less than the mill, but more than the other offers he could get in a job market saturated with hundreds of guys just like him. The job took him away from home for weeks or months at a time; sleeping in motel rooms while his son’s childhood steadily slipped away. The only thing that was worse than being away from home was staying home. The start of winter meant the end of jobs for the roofing company. Eventually he would be laid off; having to survive on unemployment benefits and what little money Jim’s mother made from cutting hair. It was at the time when the Whelan family was at its leanest that the Christmas season kicked off.

Jim’s parents were barely making ends meet, trying desperately to scrounge up enough money to even have a Christmas. All the while, the popular holiday stories all told children that good behavior was magically rewarded by shiny new toys, while bad behavior resulted in being passed over or given lumps of coal in punishment. Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Clause, and he’s a big fat red bastard who puts those parents doing the best they can do to keep food in the pantry and a roof over their heads, into an unenviable position.

How does one explain to a child why even though they have been very good, Santa was only able to bring them a few inexpensive toys and some chocolate that tasted like wax. Meanwhile, the mean little boy down the block from the rude family with the nice car, gets a brand new bike? How does one comfort a child who is teased at school because most of his classmates got more gifts or more expensive gifts?

To the best of his memory, Jim’s parents never fought about money in front him. Nor did his brother have any recollection of seeing any bitterness. Looking back, he felt his parents did a wonderful job of juggling the expectations fueled by Christmas propaganda, and the reality of their check book. They did their best to make the time not about the presents, but about being with family and reflecting on the good things they did have in their lives.

As he grew older, he began to realize the struggles that his parents went through, and he was ashamed of his childhood greed. With this realization, Christmas became less of a holiday and into a disgusting “freak show” where the main attraction were poor souls forced to buy the love of their family through expensive trinkets.

Christmas tells these poor wretches that if they do not get their child the newest, best, and most expensive new distraction on the market, that they are horrible parents. It whispers in the ear of the husband that he will lose the admiration and respect of his spouse if he buys her anything less than the diamond from the exclusive jewelry galleria. The Spirit of Christmas is a grim specter, disguised in the robes of good cheer smiling in your face, telling you that you need to be jolly. All the while, smoothly cutting you to bleed you dry.

Jim was jostled from these grim thoughts, as a morbidly obese woman wearing sweatpants with the word “foxy” stretched across her immense bottom, pushed her way past him in the isle of the Dollar Mart. He had been standing in front of the bath soaps and lotions packaged as gift baskets for the holidays. Looking down into his hand basket, he considered the meager offerings it contained and sighed. A bad financial year had left him shopping for Christmas gifts at a ‘everything is a dollar’ store.

He was not quite sure what ‘body butter’ is, but he felt slightly dirty for considering it as a gift for his mother. He had the feeling that, at best, he could find a creative way to make some inexpensive, yet unique, gifts. At worst, everyone was going to get a holiday themed mug filled with a few assorted herbal tea bags and a handful of candy.

He knew his family did not expect anything from him for Christmas. In fact, they were hurting worse than he was. His grandparents were living off of their retirement funds, and the hit on Wall Street hurt them deeply. His mother could no longer work. His father quit his roofing job after his knees gave out, then took the necessary courses to get a job as a phlebotomist at the local hospital. Although not as strenuous as climbing ladders, he was only making a fraction of what the roofing job had paid.

Despite their repeated admonishments not to bother buying each other gifts, Jim still could not help but feel the need to get people something. As much as he hated Christmas and recognized the siren song of commercialism for what it was, a part of him was still captive to its call.

The only real dilemma he had faced this year was finding something for his girlfriend Stacey. While she demanded nothing of him, he still wanted to get her something nice. Stacey was a lovely girl, kind to a fault, and in Jim’s estimation, only had one major flaw. A flaw named Stan.

Stan was Stacey’s ex fiancé. The split had been amicable, both realizing that marriage was just not in the cards for them, and after the break up, had remained friends. Although Jim trusted Stacey, on some deep primal level, he hated their friendship. Instinctively Jim reacted to Stan the way a wolf will react to another male entering his territory: hackles up, ready to fight. For Stacey’s sake, he kept civil when this idiot man child not only refused to catch fire and die, but would not take the hint to simply go away. Yes, he trusted Stacey. But he did not trust Stan.

He knew he wasn’t going to find anything at the Dollar Mart for Stacey. He had saved up some money, and had bought two tickets to her favorite Broadway play that was coming to town soon. His was disappointed that the tickets in his price range were the second tier seats. He would have loved to get them closer, but it just was not in the budget.

After paying for his few presents, Jim headed out of the store and across the parking lot, dodging crazed drivers in their holiday shopping frenzy. Just as he was digging for his keys to unlock the door, his cell phone rang. He shifted his bags to his other arm and looked at the caller ID. Seeing Stacey’s number, he flipped open his phone while he proceeded to load his bags into the back seat.

“Hey Hon!” he said warmly. “How are you?”

“I’m fine baby. What are you up to?”

“Just doing a little shopping… what did you need?”

She hesitated, then said “Well, I want to ask you something, but I don’t want you to get upset…”

Jim could feel his blood pressure rising as an ice pick of fear stabbed his gut. He breathed deeply and tried to remain calm as he replied “Oh?”

She sighed and said “Yeah… Hon. I love you, I really do. So I don’t want you thinking that this is more than it is. Well, you know how I’ve been wanting to see that new play about the evil witch? Well, Stan just called and told me that he was buying me orchestra seats for the show. Hon… I want to take the tickets, but I don’t want you to be mad.”

“MAD?!” Jim said with disbelief. “My girlfriend just told me that her ex-fiancé wants to take her to a show where he spent per ticket, and I’m not supposed to get mad?! Come on, Stacey. You can’t expect me to believe that you are naive enough not to realize that this guy has ulterior motives.”

“But, Jim… I..”

He briskly cut her off “Look. You can accept the tickets if you want. Go ahead and accept a date with your ex. But don’t expect me to be around when you get home.”

He clicked off his cell phone and threw it down on the passenger street, seething with anger.

The bastard. The sneaky son of a bitch BASTARD. Here he was again, playing the nice guy, trying to slime his way back into her life, and no doubt back into her pretty little panties. Shaking with rage, he tried the mental exercises he had learned to use to manage his anger. When that did not work, he punched the headliner with his right hand with five quick powerful jabs, that he would later find left a dent in the thin roof of his car. Had he hit a support beam, he probably would have broken his hand. His knuckles burned, but he did not care. In some perverse way, he relished the pain. It did not dissipate his anger like he had hoped, but it did clear his head and channel his anger like the laser pinpoint of a rifle scope.

Turning his car around, he headed toward town, with the intent to hunt down Stan.

—- END OF PART 1 —-

What are your thoughts on the subject?

This is a modern tragicomedy, a love-hate story between three grown men (and occasionally their mothers), a story also known as the Tube Bar prank calls.

The tale begins somewhere in the 70’s with Jim Davidson and John Elmo, a couple of guys with too much free time on their hands. The two young men picked up the phone and called the Tube Bar in Jersey. Louis “Red” Deutsch, the bar’s owner, picked up the phone, said “hello” and before he even had a chance to think, he was calling for Joe, “Joe Mama.” The rest is history.

This great love affair owes much to Red, and his distinctive, rugged voice. Red has the voice of a man who eats stones and dirt for breakfast. Red would pick up the phone again and again, only to find him self calling for Al Kaseltzer. Hugh Jass, Ben Dover and even Moe Lester… Yes, the Bum Bar Bastards (BBB) were really mean.

Red would call out the names, some say he was unaware, some say he played along. Anyway, he did it with great charm, shouting at the prankster with profanity and obscene sexual references involving the caller’s mother and a certain “yellow rat bastard.” Here’s a sample, but watch out! It includes Red’s explicit language:

Red: Why you yellow rat bastard, you motherf%$!@&. Why don’t you come over and meet me face to face, you mother… I’ll meet you wherever you want.

BBB: That’s what I want.

Red: Where are you? I’ll come right over.

BBB: You son of a @#$%!!

Red: You sonova%$@#, you mother%$@#$!

BBB: I’ll come down there.

Red: You sonova$#@!%, I’ll cut your belly open!

BBB: You yellow bastard.

Red: Why you lousy mother… You’ll #@$% your own mother, you son of!!!

Indeed, Red is an endangered specie. He comes from a time when men where men and used to settle businesses with fists, but the Bar Bastards never showed up in the Tube. Red offered a hundred bucks if the BBB duo will meet him face to face, but there was no answer. Even when he raised the prize to 500 dollars, the Bum Bar Bastards were still afraid that Red will “cut Z’s in each of their cheeks.”

Elmo and Davidson, the two BBBs recorded every call and the tapes became an underground sensation. The tapes are known as the Tube Bar Tapes or the Red Taps and later on were the inspiration for The Simpson’s bartender – Moe Szyslak. If you’re looking for inspiration, the Bastards released the recordings on various CDs and MP3 that are available on their official website and on iTunes.

When you are ready to call the Tube Bar, just log on to Caller ID Faker, put in your number, your fake number and the number you’d wish to prank and hit the button! Visit www.calleridfaker.com and with some inspiration – you get can the phone pranking business to new heights.

Post a comment below...

comment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Joe: *gets up off the floor a little dizzy from the kiss and walks downstairs after her* Wha- Demi: I have to cook dinner before Madison and my mom and dad get home. Its my only chore and I have to do it. I owe them that much. *acting completely normal and like that kiss didnt just happen* Joe: Look Dems, that kiss was-*interrupted* Demi: I know Joe *cutting some food for dinner and putting it to cook* you have a girlfriend and I understand. Just friends and I agree that kiss was bad. *looks up at him and smiles* Joe: (Thinks- I was going to say amazing.) Ummokay? (Thinks- Joe! What did you just say?!?! Tell her the truthno. Why am I lying to myself? I cant ruin a perfectly good relationship with AJ, Demis right. Just friends. Best friends.) I disagree. Demi: What? *looks at him shocked* Joe: DemsI dont want to be your friend. *pauses* I want to be your best friend. Demi: *smiles* Okay. ~~She finished dinner~~ Demi: Shouldnt you be at home by now? Joe: Im not needed there. And Ill stay with you until your parents get here. Demi: *looks at her cell phone clock* Its 8:00. They will be here by atleast 9:30. Ummwant to watch a movie or something? Joe: What movie? Demi: ErmEagle Eye? Joe: I havent seen that. Demi: I have. Joe: Then why are we gonna watch it? Demi: Because you havent seen it. Joe: (Thinks-And she isnt Self-seeking either, I should add that to my listwould that beoh yeah the 100th great thing about Demi) Demi: *puts in the movie …

Any ideas?

This short piece describes the successes that are common with Telephone On Hold marketing. Music and messaging on-hold keeps callers from hanging up while it educates them about valuable and pertinent information. Learn more at www.telephoneonhold.com or call 1-866-359-4653.

What do you think? Please comment below to tell me.

This is a modern tragicomedy, a love-hate story between three grown men (and occasionally their mothers), a story also known as the Tube Bar prank calls.

The tale begins somewhere in the 70â??s with Jim Davidson and John Elmo, a couple of guys with too much free time on their hands. The two young men picked up the phone and called the Tube Bar in Jersey. Louis â??Redâ? Deutsch, the barâ??s owner, picked up the phone, said â??helloâ? and before he even had a chance to think, he was calling for Joe, â??Joe Mama.â? The rest is history.

This great love affair owes much to Red, and his distinctive, rugged voice. Red has the voice of a man who eats stones and dirt for breakfast. Red would pick up the phone again and again, only to find him self calling for Al Kaseltzer. Hugh Jass, Ben Dover and even Moe Lesterâ?¦ Yes, the Bum Bar Bastards (BBB) were really mean.

Red would call out the names, some say he was unaware, some say he played along. Anyway, he did it with great charm, shouting at the prankster with profanity and obscene sexual references involving the callerâ??s mother and a certain â??yellow rat bastard.â? Hereâ??s a sample, but watch out! It includes Redâ??s explicit language:

Red: Why you yellow rat bastard, you motherf%$!@&. Why donâ??t you come over and meet me face to face, you motherâ?¦ Iâ??ll meet you wherever you want.

BBB: Thatâ??s what I want.

Red: Where are you? Iâ??ll come right over.

BBB: You son of a @#$%!!

Red: You sonova%$@#, you mother%$@#$!

BBB: Iâ??ll come down there.

Red: You sonova$#@!%, Iâ??ll cut your belly open!

BBB: You yellow bastard.

Red: Why you lousy motherâ?¦ Youâ??ll #@$% your own mother, you son of!!!

Indeed, Red is an endangered specie. He comes from a time when men where men and used to settle businesses with fists, but the Bar Bastards never showed up in the Tube. Red offered a hundred bucks if the BBB duo will meet him face to face, but there was no answer. Even when he raised the prize to 500 dollars, the Bum Bar Bastards were still afraid that Red will â??cut Zâ??s in each of their cheeks.â?

Elmo and Davidson, the two BBBs recorded every call and the tapes became an underground sensation. The tapes are known as the Tube Bar Tapes or the Red Taps and later on were the inspiration for The Simpsonâ??s bartender – Moe Szyslak. If youâ??re looking for inspiration, the Bastards released the recordings on various CDs and MP3 that are available on their official website and on iTunes.

When you are ready to call the Tube Bar, just log on to Caller ID Faker, put in your number, your fake number and the number you’d wish to prank and hit the button! Visit www.calleridfaker.com and with some inspiration – you get can the phone pranking business to new heights.

Any ideas?